What if I don't want to
So yesterday was the last day of my thanksgiving break. Everything came to a close but there was one final thing I had to do before I left for school. I had to go to church. Now don't get me wrong I love church!!! i love being at church, well most of the time. But for some reason I didn't really want to be at church. Maybe it was because it wasn't the church I had been going, or maybe it was because I was tired and just wanted to be in bed. But for some reason I felt like a little kid yesterday saying...well what if I don't want to go to church. There was this interesting internal conflict of why do I go to church. I began to wonder why does everyone else go to church? Why do you go to church? Now for most of you who might be reading this blog it's because you have to...you either work at a church or class is making you! But why does our congregation...Is it because they think they have to? Is it to have a social life? Is it because the do actually love Jesus and the church? Or is it because they want help? Why do our people attend church? How do you handle those days where you just don't want to be around Christians, or just don't want to wake up and go to church?
To those of you who don't work in the church or don't even like the church and just happened to read this: why don't you go to church? or why do you? Today in chapel at my school we had a man talk about how he felt the least wanted when he was at church, do you see that in your life? What is it that you are or were expecting from the church? Help me, I want to know why others go to church!
Heart behind us
What is the heart behind what we do? As Pastors or future pastors what is the heart behind what we do? Being in a church leadership class learning about making churches healthy, i've really been wrestling with what does this look like for me and what I'm going to be doing. What is the heart that I have behind mentoring? Why do I do what I do? I was reading a blog of a former IWU student who is working at a large Wesleyan church in San Diego and she was questioning this very thing
Brooke writes
" i feel like we are always "doing" stuff and sometimes i forget what it is all for...how does one really show Christ to someone else? Does God really want us to spend money on making things "cool?" If we prayed more would that really change things? What can we expect of middle school students? Are they capable of praying for a longer period of time? What if we didn't preach on Sundays for a month and just had them pray the entire time...and then i wonder where this comes from in me...is it a part of my personality to struggle with finding a purpose in some of this "stuff?" i know that i don't like "sales" type church so is this just a matter of preference or is it Biblical? i just don't know...ministry is so confusing to me...is it really about investing into people's lives? and if this is so then why do we spend so much money on "stuff" and "events" and "videos" and whatever else" Then I was having a conversation with an old pastor/mentor of mind, and he was telling me how he felt like he could loose his job based on the decisions that he was making in ministry! I got confused because he was one of the best childrens pastors i've ever met. He said the major difference was that he stopped listening to "Tradition" and started setting up his ministry by what God was speaking to his heart about. Most of our churches are going to understand this, and this church isn't, but my friends I'm believing more and more that the best programing we can do is what God lays on our hearts. We must not depend on Tradition to decide our programing but what passions for ministry God has layed on our hearts! Don't get me wrong we can learn from Tradition but it's not how we have to always do things. Take the good but be creative, use the mind and heart God gave you to decide what your going to be doing in your ministry.
So ask your self, why do you do what you do? With every program what is the heart behind it?
As anyone experienced this? What ideas have you had that went against the grain of "Tradition" was it hard to communicate it with the congregation?
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Thanks to all those standing firm for the Faith, You are an inspiration to us all!"
Fork in the Road
Over the last day and a half i've had my last blog posted I've come to a fork in the road and I've learned a few things!
1) My view of doubting is a good thing. I believe we are supposed to doubt but there are things if we are men of women of faith, we don't even walk down that road. For me those are, that Jesus is the Christ! He died and was Resurrected. The church is a means of Grace. I realized recently that I'm not alone. Everyones responses to me, made me understand how not a lone I am! The church is a need for my life, and for me to succeed I need to be in it. I'm called to ministry! I won't ever walk down that road of doubt again! As i examined my life I realized more and more that I can't see myself doing anything else! I love the church I love the work I do in it, and I never want to leave it! God has placed this in my life and I believe strongly that I dont' want to let it Go. (Thanks coach for helping me understand that we can doubt but it's ok to not go down certain paths!)
2) My faith is based on Christ alone and not what other people say into my life. Let me clarify a little. When people speak into my life I must use the lens of Jesus. That He will never fail me nor forsake me and so when people give me wisdom/advice I must look at it as if it would be something God would want me to embrace or not. I'm saying this because i've given certain people the power to speak like Jesus into my life. I'm finding that when they let me down it had a much great effect on me then i thought. This isnt' just one person, this is the many people who've let me down over the last couple of years. I people that Jesus must have the main voice in my life and until recently I had let others have the main voice in my life!
3) We are in a war! Now I usually don't like to talk in this metaphor but for this instance I must. After having a much over due conversation with a leader (that for a long time was afraid to talk to) I realized I was in a war for the souls of man. That when we see those who fall, it should make us want to fight even harder against Satan and his forces. Satan longs for those of us who believe to let go of our faith and deny! But if we who are called by his name fight and fight with an intensity of understanding this is much more than here on earth but this is for eternity than we can defeat Satan. There is a song on the United Cd "look to you" that says "the enemy has been defeated" We have the power to claim victory and live in it...why am I not grasping it? Why aren't we? I think for me at least it's I've ignored this war I need, but I see it so much more clearly now!!! Lets keep fighting!
4) There are amaizing men and women of God fighting that we are overlooking! Thank You PK! Thank You Aram! Thank You Julie! Thank You Jeremy and Andrea! Thank You Kate! Thank You Matt! Thank You Julia! Thank You Micheal! Thank You Chris! Thank You Coach! Thank You Dave! Thank You Bounds! Thank You Russ! Thank You Charlie! Thank you to all who pour into my life that fight the good fight and press on toward the Goal!!! keep fighting! I appreciate you more than you know! Thanks for being people to look up to!!!
Over the last few days there have been some ups and downs, I still haven't found resolution in a lot but I have come to some conclusions that are giving me power and strength in this journey!
Now i've said some pretty close minded things, mostly at the top of this blog, but am I wrong in being that close minded? Is it bad to have these conclusions? Am I missing something more than I can see? How are you handling doubt? Who are the people you've seen fail how has that affected you? And who are Champions of the faith in your life?
Doubt
Ok here is the deal...this may have nothing to do with church leadership at first but I really feel like it applys.
1) I have to be honest...I'm fake! I'm not happy all the time, in fact there are days when I really don't want to be around people at all! I'm a sinner, I still sin all the time, and there are days where that eats me up inside and i have so much doubt about myself! I don't think that i'm as great as every may say that I am... I'm just a sinner saved by grace...and that is how I hope to present myself to you in that way! I'm not perfect, and so if I have made myself to look like that to you, i'm sorry!
2)I am scared. I have no idea what is next and i'm not going to hide it anymore! I don't know where God is going to take me, or if I'm going to be good enough...I like the institutionalized life of IWU, I like knowing where my friends are, where i'm eating, and where I'm going to sleep! I have no clue where I'm going to end up or what I'm going to do!
3) I'm worried about those around me! The last couple of weeks I've been hearing a lot of my close friends, or people who've invested into me say that they are re-thinking Christianity...now don't get me wrong or shut me out yet! I agree we should know what we believe and should process that! The last thing I want to be known as is some who believe just so he has something to hold on to! I want to believe because I love what I believe and want to give my whole life and heart to it. But is there a line in which we can doubt our believes? I just wonder! And my friends who read this an may be mad at me for worrying about them, it's not that i think you're bad, i just wonder if there is a good way of doubting about things and a bad way. I doubt, but i've found strength in the call of Christ to have a child like faith...a faith that believes that there are things about God i'll never know or understand, that is just fine! In fact I think it makes God worth following!
4) What does this have to do about anything! I think its because I'm doubting, Am I really supposed to do everything i've been told I am supposed to do?!? I mean am I supposed to be a pastor, seperated from the crowd? Am I supposed to take on peoples loads and help them walk this journey of life? is mentoring really a good life style to have? Now these aren't questions that are taking me away from my life style, but if those who put these thoughts in me are now changing, were they wrong or right in the first place....With everything in my heart I want to believe they were right! I know I'm a sinner saved by grace, and I know that God is using me, when i think am I in the right place, there is an overwhelming yes in my spirit!
Church leadership: We are going to doubt ourselves! We are going to have people who invested into us fail us! We are going to fail them! So doubt, doubt in a way that will still allow God to be God, and not yourself to be God! You're congregation will doubt, and they are going to ask tough questions, but don't shun them for it...Love them, at least they are trying right? What do you all think? am i way off? do i need help? Love me here!
